Buckley Magazine Number Thirty Six: Cartoon by Barry Russell: Naughty Boys outside the Tabernacle"

Tabernacle Methodist Church, Padeswood Road, Buckley

2010

Buckley Magazine Number Thirty Six: article by Brian Hodnett - Buckley Jokes

Cartoons by Barry Russell

Buckley Jokes by Brian Hodnett

with cartoons by Barry Russell

Buckley people have always enjoyed a good laugh. I can remember my mother telling me old stories about amusing things which had or maybe had happened in Buckley's past. Whether these things actually happened, or were partly or completely fictitious I don't know, but whatever really took place these stories can still be enjoyed.

The first one concerns my grandfather, Mr Reg Jenkinson who, before he was married was involved in a prank with some friends in a reputedly haunted house somewhere in Buckley. They persuaded one of their companions to spend a night alone in this house. But just in case the ghost failed to scare the unfortunate lad who had drawn the short straw, they put a long speaking tube up to the bedroom.

So in the early hours the conspirators stood outside, suppressing giggles and started to moan repeatedly into this tube, 'There's only me an' thee here.........There's only me an' thee here.....' until the 'volunteer' woke up and in his panic to flee the house informed the 'ghost' … ' Well if thou'll weet til I've got me trousis on then there'll only be thee here!' I don't know whether he found his mates laughing outside the house or even whether they informed him of their devious plot. Who knows....?

Practical jokes though weren't just the work of my grandad. One of his sons, my Uncle Tom once played a joke on his brother, my Uncle Phil. Tom bet Phil that he could throw a stone over the Tabernacle! (They used to live across the road from there at Berwyn Garage.) Tom went first. But when Phil wasn't watching he dropped the stone and only pretended to throw it. Then it was Phil's turn. He threw his stone as hard as he could but he couldn't clear the chapel roof. In fact he didn't even come near the roof, because the stone went straight through the chapel window! As for what happened to these two when their irate father found out, history is fortunately silent.

The Buckley dialect was discouraged in school. My mother, then Miss Amy Jenkinson was teaching in the Board School when, wanting to dispose of some rubbish, she said to a boy 'Where's the bin?' He replied 'I've bin wom pleein' with me metes' (I've been home playing with my mates). I don't know what she said next but I suspect an unscheduled English lesson was forthcoming.

For the next story please skip this one if you're eating or about to eat. In the days before sewer pipes were laid, the waste was collected from the outside toilets in the night-cart. One man called Sam the night-cart who did this job was said to have dropped his coat in the effluent. He fished it out, and someone said, 'You're not gonna wear that are you?' To which he replied, 'No, But I've left me snappin in me pocket'........(No I don't personally believe that one. Snappin means sandwiches or lunch)

As we can imagine, the men who worked in the local industries would spend their time at work telling jokes and funny stories some of which I suspect would not be printable in this magazine!

Mr John Jonathan used to work at the Standard Pipe works. He told me about one of his former workmates (who will remain nameless!) whose intellectual prowess was somewhat suspect (to put it politely!) This man for example worked as a caretaker at St Johns and when he brought the coke in for the boiler he used two wheelbarrows because he thought it was quicker. He was by himself.

One day he was working at the Standard in a gang of six. His job was to wheel carriages to the far end-but he didn't start at the far end so as to bring the work to him-he started at the near end so he had to go around all the carriages. The works manager was keeping an eye on all this.

Hours later he said to the manager, 'Me head's goin' round an' round', to which the manager replied, 'No wonder you've been going in circles all morning!'

He was married to an Irish girl and planned to go to the Emerald Isle for his holidays for a fortnight. He had a grandfather clock and, concerned about it, told his workmates about it one break time. (Did he want them to wind it up or keep an eye on it I wonder?) But it was a German clock. Don't mention the war! His friends did though. 'It could be a time bomb!' Did he really believe this? I don't know but he did say he'd put a pillow by it in case it fell over. (Even he would have thought an enemy bomb would have done quite a bit more damage than that-he was joking-I think.)

At the mountain colliery the chap in charge of the lamp room bought himself a new barometer. Pleased with his purchase, he brought to work to show his workmates. It was raining outside, but the barometer showed 'fine' however much he tapped it. They said to him, 'That's a fine thing thou's got theer!' He got so fed up he took it outside, shook it and shouted, 'Now will you believe me!' (No he hadn't been watching Faulty Towers).

Two of the men there bought a pig. This wasn't a pet! Their workmates kept asking about it.

One day they said, 'We're going to kill the pig tomorrow'. But on the following day they didn't turn up for work and were absent for a week. On their return they were asked where they had been.

'We had to stop at home to eat the pig!' was the reply. Were they sacked for this? They'd have been pig-sick if they were! Or maybe the foreman put a good word in for them and saved their bacon. (Yes the jokes can get worse.)

Americans are 'overpaid over sexed and over here' was a common complaint during the Second World War. (Though preferable to the crump of the Nazi jackboot!)

But one old Buckley 'mon' wasn't complaining one night in the Trap pub. He was enjoying a drink with some American GIs when seeing his glass was empty, one of them said to him, 'I guess you'd like another one'. He gladly accepted the offer of a free drink and having finished it was asked the same question again, to which he replied positively. This carried on for several pints and the GI said again, 'I guess you'd like another one'. Our tipsy Buckley man said 'It's a funny thing mete but thou guesses right every time!'

The following story was probably not true and almost certainly falls foul of modern food laws, but in those days before fridges, when food was not as plentiful and 'spoiling' children was more severely frowned upon, the following tale was probably used as a warning.

A boy came home to dinner, but he didn't like what was on the menu, so he refused to eat it.

A few hours later he came home and asked for some food. He was offered his uneaten dinner and his mum said 'Shall I warm it up for you?' He refused , went out and some time later returned hungry and asking for food. He was offered the same meal again and he refused it again. This happened another two or three times. Finally, late and just before bedtime, he asked for his supper. He again was offered the same meal. His mum said 'Shall I warm it up for you?' He replied, 'No thanks Mum, I'll have it cowd!' (cold)

'There are lies damn lies and……Buckley lies' (misquoting a famous saying).

Two Buckley men were standing on the now non-existent Knowle Hill looking at Northop Church, wanting to know who could tell the biggest lie. One said to the other, 'I bet I can tell a bigger lie than thee! If you look close enough you can see there's a fly by the number one on the church clock.' The other said, 'Aye thou's quite right owd 'un - I can see him blinkin'!'

This next story casts serious doubts on the literary ability of one 'owd Buckley mon'.

The Buckley band were playing at Hawarden Castle and when they had finished they were invited into the castle. One of them felt somewhat uncomfortable in front of all the upper classes, so he picked up a newspaper. One of the gentry walked through, noticed him and said, 'I say my good man, you've got that newspaper upside down!' Quick as a flash he answered, 'Well any foo' can read it the right way up!'

One retired 'owd Buckley mon' had a small holding in Megs Lane. He had just one cow, but he got tired of having to milk it (by hand in those days!) so he sold it and it 'moo-ved' to pastures new. He then had to buy his milk from Fisher's farm , then run by Mr Fisher's dad who told him, 'The price of coal's gone up from 1/9 to 2/- a hundredweight'. He said, 'We'll be buying it in the chemist's shop before long! (Were chemists that expensive in those days? Oh and for those of you under 40 who didn't have the dubious pleasure of doing pounds shillings and pence, and Imperial weights in school, and without a calculator that's 8.75p to 10p for about 50kg. It seems cheap but don't forget inflation.)

It was rising prices which caused the government to introduce paper money in the 1800s. One skeptical owner of the new white fiver complained to Mr Fisher senior, 'They're now makin' money out of old Echoes. (That is the Liverpool Echo newspaper)

Not all Buckley people stopped there. When they moved they took their humour with them.

One man went to work in the Yorkshire coal fields. He found some lodgings, but he wasn't happy.

One morning he got up and said to the landlady, 'I'm leaving - I can't stand all these fleas you've got in this bed!' She flew at him in temper saying, ' There's not a single flea in here'. He replied, 'Thou's right- they're all married and breeding like heck!' ( I don't think the expression 'breeding like flies' would be appropriate here).

Buckley has had its share of 'characters'. On Nant Mawr Road there once lived two men called 'Mucky Joe' and 'Dirty Robin'. They used to call on each other. If the weather was bad, one would say, 'It's a right mucky morning Joe' and the other would reply, 'Aye it's a right dirty morning Robin'.

I suppose one of Buckley's most famous characters must be 'Webbert' or Mr Jim Griffiths, who is remembered in Buckley 20 in 'Webbert's World'. One time Webbert had been ill. On been asked how he was he replied, 'I was gonna die but I found out it was too dear!'

When he was living in St John's Close he used to go across to the bowling green to chat and pass the time so the people there got to know him so they invited him to their presentation dinner at the Windmill. The staff brought all the meat and veg on two large dishes and put them down by him. He was heard to exclaim, 'owd on -I conna eat aw this!' (Hold on I can't eat all this!)

We have always enjoyed a good laugh in Buckley and good old Buckley humour is certainly part of our heritage just as much as the more serious stuff which is printed in this magazine!

Some of these stories were told to me by my mother Mrs Amy Hodnett. Also many thanks to Mr Malcolm Ellis, Mr John Jonathan, Mr William Fisher, and Mr John Rowlands who told me some more Buckley tales.

Author: Hodnett, Brian

Buckley Magazine Number Thirty Six: Cartoon by Barry Russell: Naughty Boys outside the Tabernacle"

Tabernacle Methodist Church, Padeswood Road, Buckley

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